Watching/Listening To: Nothing
Thinking: God, I wish I could keep Daniel from hurting.
Feeling: Helpless
27/03/2007 - 3:10 p.m.
No More Hurting/He's Still There (minor spoilers for 4th episode of season 10)
I just finished watching seven hours of SG-1. Normally I'd watch the one at 3:00, but this time it's sucky; and to think, "Legacy" was one of my favourite episodes when I had a mere crush on Daniel. God, I was no better than "The Bitches", those piece of shit women who harm my angel for their own personal gain. So what If I�d never done anything to him directly, just enjoyed watching it? Who�s to say I wouldn�t have tried if I could have visited that reality then (not that I can visit it now, beyond unfortunately, but you know what I mean)? Of course I still would have fallen in love with him, and felt awful, and he�d forgive me because of the situation, I mean, after all, I was mean to him, not anybody he cared about, and he could even fall in love with me after that, but it doesn�t matter. What I mean, the point is, the idea that I ever could have treated him so horribly, quite frankly, it disgusts me. Truth be told; I am sick and tired of seeing him hurt. If I could have any power, it would be to prevent him from most any pain, emotional or physical. The only thing I think wouldn't be fair all in all is preventing people he cared about from dying of old age. There are a number of practical, not to mention philosophical reasons why that wouldn't work (if I could be with him, at least I could comfort him at those times, perhaps making them a little better), but everything else, I can't see why there'd be a problem. God, I just, seeing him hurting at all, I love him so, so much, it very well may affect me as badly as it does him, if not more so. I need him to be okay. That's all I care about. If my dying would guarantee that he'd be all right, even if I couldn't go back and know what was going on with him... I swear to God, I know this makes no sense because considering we're soul-mates, he'll be more okay with me than anything, but, for argument's sake, if my relinquishing the ability to see him in Heaven could prevent him from ever hurting again, I would do it. I swear to God. It's that important to me. I'd just be happy knowing he's happy.
I almost can't wait for SG-1 to be totally over, so I can see where he ends up, that he's okay, and so I don't have to see him in any more pain. I mean, at least if I was there, as I said before, I could comfort him to some degree, even if I didn't have any literal powers, but God. I suppose I just need to deal with it as I know he's going to make it, because he's Daniel, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.One last thing for this entry (that I actually meant to say in a previous one): Though I've not seen it, I've seen snippets, and I can tell, Daniel in "The Shroud", when he's a prior, you know, well, while he's certainly screwed up, more than likely brainwashed, he's still there. There isn't that evil shell, essentially, like in "Need". My angel is there. I can see him, even if he's not fully where he should be, if you will.
Perhaps that will make it easier to watch the episode. I doubt it, though.
Getting - Better
