Listening to: Both Sides, Now (Judy Collins)
Thinking: Does it mean anything?
10/07/2007 - 8:12 p.m.
I Have To Know
You know, I am so confused. Okay, I just, I don't know. I'm feeling like I shouldn't care. I should just say, who cares if how I feel isn't logical. Only, I am a very logical person, and I think I was questioning things for a long time, but I wasn't really letting myself bring that to the surface, you know. I mean, it just makes no sense. I had another dream about him, Daniel, I mean, obviously. I was lying or standing next to him, and he was pulled away from me. The thing is, I can't tell if I'm just dreaming that because I'm thinking about him because of the weird brain thing. He's highly compatible with me, and my brain can't necessarily determine if someone could be in the same place as me, or even if they really exist, and it's not taking into account the fact that I don't want kids, or the very likely possibility that even if I could be with Daniel, if he were definitely real, I likely wouldn't be able to conceive a child with him (and actually, that commercial where there's the waffle cone and the ice cream that implies if two people can't have a child that they're not right for each other, or that if they don't plan on even having a child, they shouldn't be together, that really bugs me, even if love is just a brain thing, when you care about a person, it's strong, and you shouldn't have to be told you aren't right for each other because you can't, or don't want to have a kid together, sometimes that's just how things are) the natural way even if I wanted kids (actually, given that circumstance, we'd likely adopt, but that's beside the point). I just, I need a sign, something definitive. I was thinking then that this could be more than just brain waves when I dreamt that, and I'm trying really hard to just realise it's not anything more, because then if I dream something significant, I could see that it as nothing to do with believing. I accept that it could be "love" from a scientific standpoint, the feeling you get generated from the scientific bond to stay with a person to ensure proper care for the children and such, but I mean, I know the whole thing about these days not everyone wanting children. It isn't necesarry, but evolution is not perfect. Yeah, though, if I just keep thinking about it like that, if I dream something significant, perhaps there is something more, but then, it could just be wishful thinking. I'm not going to let myself wish it was something more, though. I have to know what's really going on here. My logical mind can't let me accept anything that isn't tangible until that point.
Getting - Better