The current mood of bluelucy at

Watching/Listening To: Nothing

Thinking: God, I wish I could keep Daniel from hurting.

Feeling: Helpless

27/03/2007 - 3:10 p.m.

No More Hurting/He's Still There (minor spoilers for 4th episode of season 10)

I just finished watching seven hours of SG-1. Normally I'd watch the one at 3:00, but this time it's sucky; and to think, "Legacy" was one of my favourite episodes when I had a mere crush on Daniel. God, I was no better than "The Bitches", those piece of shit women who harm my angel for their own personal gain. So what If I’d never done anything to him directly, just enjoyed watching it? Who’s to say I wouldn’t have tried if I could have visited that reality then (not that I can visit it now, beyond unfortunately, but you know what I mean)? Of course I still would have fallen in love with him, and felt awful, and he’d forgive me because of the situation, I mean, after all, I was mean to him, not anybody he cared about, and he could even fall in love with me after that, but it doesn’t matter. What I mean, the point is, the idea that I ever could have treated him so horribly, quite frankly, it disgusts me. Truth be told; I am sick and tired of seeing him hurt. If I could have any power, it would be to prevent him from most any pain, emotional or physical. The only thing I think wouldn't be fair all in all is preventing people he cared about from dying of old age. There are a number of practical, not to mention philosophical reasons why that wouldn't work (if I could be with him, at least I could comfort him at those times, perhaps making them a little better), but everything else, I can't see why there'd be a problem. God, I just, seeing him hurting at all, I love him so, so much, it very well may affect me as badly as it does him, if not more so. I need him to be okay. That's all I care about. If my dying would guarantee that he'd be all right, even if I couldn't go back and know what was going on with him... I swear to God, I know this makes no sense because considering we're soul-mates, he'll be more okay with me than anything, but, for argument's sake, if my relinquishing the ability to see him in Heaven could prevent him from ever hurting again, I would do it. I swear to God. It's that important to me. I'd just be happy knowing he's happy. I almost can't wait for SG-1 to be totally over, so I can see where he ends up, that he's okay, and so I don't have to see him in any more pain. I mean, at least if I was there, as I said before, I could comfort him to some degree, even if I didn't have any literal powers, but God. I suppose I just need to deal with it as I know he's going to make it, because he's Daniel, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.

One last thing for this entry (that I actually meant to say in a previous one): Though I've not seen it, I've seen snippets, and I can tell, Daniel in "The Shroud", when he's a prior, you know, well, while he's certainly screwed up, more than likely brainwashed, he's still there. There isn't that evil shell, essentially, like in "Need". My angel is there. I can see him, even if he's not fully where he should be, if you will.
Perhaps that will make it easier to watch the episode. I doubt it, though.

Getting - Better

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