The current mood of bluelucy at

2005-01-06 - 3:27 a.m.

Sister/Depression/Daniel/Other Planes

So, my sister acts happy. She wants me to go to the movies with her and watch SG-1 with her (not that I mind that, certainly), but why is she putting on this act? I mean, if she's really so unhappy I wish she'd just tell me. This will sound like I'm depressed, and maybe I am, but I wish I had the guts to kill myself, then I could be with Daniel, or whomever I'm supposed to be with, and Maggie could be with Jake, or whomever she's supposed to be with. If the person I'm supposed to be with isn't available to Heaven yet, perhaps I could sleep or something until he got there. I won't kill myself, though. I've come close, when I was younger I had a lot more problems than I do now, if that's possible, and I attempted everything from sleeping pills, to wrist slashing to swallowing a cup of alcohol, but it was never extreme enough to do any real damage, and I threw up the alcohol. Actually, I don't really think I wanted to kill myself, or if I did, I was afraid if I succeeded, I would be punished in some way. I don't know. I feel so pathetic. Here I am talking like so angst ridden adolescent. I'll be thirty in about three years! Anyway, at least I have Jade, and SG-1, and Daniel. God, here I go again. I really need to get help. I need a life, but by whose standards? I mean, I've always been a solitary sort of person. I prefer to stay home most of the time, watching my show. I just wish Maggie wouldn't lie.

Getting back to Daniel, though. I wish my thinking was not so boxed. I mean, it's not, but it is. I can not help thinking that the way I feel is insane, but I suppose in a way that's good, because I would never tell someone who could actually do something about this, give me medicine or whatever to stop it, or try and convince me it's better not to think this way. I don't want to stop it. Again, I don't know if he's really my soul-mate. I'm very unsure now because, of course, for eleven years I was so sure who I was meant to be with for eternity. That being said, I really hope it's Daniel. It won't matter if he's not once I get to Heaven, but for now, I wouldn't say I worry about it, really, but it's one of those things, I guess. I don't know how to say it, exactly. It's just, I feel more like he's mine than I did with Nightcrawler. I have such this feeling of, well, I don't want to say possessiveness. That sounds bad, but it's true. I never had this feeling like "He's mine!" with Nightcrawler. I mean, I guess I did, but not to the degree I do with Daniel. I just feel like I'm supposed to be with him. He's my baby, my angel, my Daniel. I never felt so strongly with Kurt. I simply took it for granted because I loved him for so long, but I've only been in love with Daniel a little while. To be sure, if I was in a position to know him personally, and he was with someone else, I would try to convince him he would be happier with me, because I really believe that, but if he thought he would be happier with someone else, I don't know. I mean, if he really wouldn't be, shouldn't I show him that, and not just give up, leaving us both to be miserable, or at least, not as happy as we could be? I don't know if I'm just being selfish, and he's not actually my true love, but why do I feel this way? One thing that's interesting, I very much would have enjoyed seeing Janet and Daniel together, not that I think for a moment they should be together for eternity, but I wouldn't have minded seeing them together just on the show. Of course, that just would not have been possible, but you could tell they liked each other, at least, I saw it that way. I was very jealous of Sha're, though, because he cared so much for her, but you know, that marriage was pretty much circumstance. It doesn't mean they're meant to be with each other always. Which brings me to another point. I don't know if anyone's wondered about this, but this is a good time to address it in any case: The Daniel Jackson in the movie Stargate, is not my Daniel. That one is from an alternate dimension or something. Another thing, Daniel's soul had to grow up. I thought I'd already written about that, but apparently not. Anyway, what I mean is that he's not exactly very thoughtful at first. It doesn't take him long, but it's as if he couldn't see how important it was to try and help others. I mean, he probably thought about helping the Abydonians, of course, but he had to grow in his compassion. It didn't take him long. By Thor's Hammer he is definitely my baby. The Nox, though, is probably the one where he completely comes in to his own, as it were, and really begins to understand how important is for him to get people to realise that they need to think about their actions, and how they affect others. God, he's so caring. Other people can be caring, but not like Daniel, not to me. I can't imagine there could possibly ever be anyone as wonderful to me as him. It isn't a matter of hims being perfect or anything like that. I mean, he's perfect for me, but he makes mistakes, doesn't always know the best way to handle things, and he can be, perhaps, too idealistic at times. Still, all of this only makes me love him more.

One more thing: I don't know if I believe in other dimensions the way the theory states. I think they're more of a sort of spiritual plane that characters exist on. There are different ones, of course. The difference with these planes, though, and theoretical dimensions, is that the characters can be in their reality, and visit Heaven. I suppose it's something like being ascended, only not completely. I mean, they can't visit other planes. I guess you could say (and this is in no way meant to sound morbid) that they're closer to death in a way, not that they'll be dying soon, more the ghost realm, but you can touch them. Maybe some ghosts can be touched. I don't know. That doesn't make as much sense to me. The individuals on these planes can actually die, in which case it is just like if a person dies on earth. They go to Heaven (or that other place if they really deserve it) and remain there. I don't know if they can be reincarnated or anything like that. I know I have an unusual way of thinking, but there must be someone else besides me (and perhaps my sister) who thinks something like this, but even if there isn't, I'm glad I'm this way. I would hate to be normal, to be a sheep, just following how everyone else believes the world runs, just accepting the idea that television characters, etc., don't exist in some way. That, to me, is no way to live.

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