The current mood of bluelucy at

Listening to: "This Is My Time" from Raven

Thinking: God, I've never felt so right!

Feeling: Wonderful, in love, and all that!

18/11/2007 to 19/11/2007 - 10:56 p.m. to 12: 00 a.m.

Complete (Again)

Sunday and Monday

My sister was saying that I shouldn't worry that this won't last, because if it doesn't, then I'll move on and be okay with it, but really, I mean, I'm not saying anything, but I've never really felt so much like, I mean, I always had to tell myself that what I believed was true, now I have to tell myself it might not be. I don't want to jump the gun, but my God, this is just so right, you know, and as I've said, there's no denying the fact that Max is real. I can't deny that, and I don't need convincing of it, and I don't need convincing that he's the one, but I do need convincing that he may not be the one, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to feel that, even though you won't catch me saying it directly, at least not for a while. Man, though, I can't explain it. I mean, not really, this feeling. I don't just assume it, believe it. I know it. I feel it, and you know, to some people, it may seem as though I don't love Max that much, because I only talk about what I love about him, not how much I love him, but anyone who knows me will realise that's because I can't say how much I love him. Everyone I've ever been in love with, I didn't know there was a limit, if you will, to how I felt, but I could describe it, you know, measure it in some way, but with Maxie, there is just, other than saying he's it, but even then, that isn't really explaining how much I love him totally, you know. Even when I get really upset about not being with him, I love this. I love being in love with him. I love this feeling, even if it's immeasurable, maybe because it's immeasurable. I don't know, and it isn't even just, I mean, all of this, how I see everything now. I just feel that wherever I am, as long as I love Max, that's where I'm supposed to be, what I'm into, what influences me, everything I love. It's like, well, I don't want to get too pathetic with all of this. Okay, I'll just say, it can't hurt. I feel like there's this connection, like I always felt this somehow. Yeah, I'm not really doing a good job with the not saying we're meant to be together, even if it isn't super direct, but what the hell. I'm not hurting anything. I just. God, I'm happy! Thinking about everyone there, too. I mean, I don't know what plan is meant from my being here, maybe there is no plan, things were just supposed to turn out this way, but I love The Beatles, and my name is Lucy (though if I was in the AtU reality, my name would undoubtedly be something different, maybe Joan, that would be cool, not that I'd think about it, but then, I wouldn't care; I feel like I would have always been there), and I love AtU, and I love Max, and I really do not care if talking about him like this is jumping the gun. I have never felt more complete, and I'm not going to deny that. Oh, and the epiphanies. I can't believe I almost forgot! Okay, there were two, and not dreams or anything, but actual epiphanies. The first one, I was in the shower, and I just got this feeling, like Max is the one, and that's when I started saying he's it, I think (oh, and I also call him my Love, because, you know, he's all I need, and yes, I realise that's corny; I don't care; he's also my Angel Sweetie; I'm not sure why; I guess just because he is). Then later, well, I don't like thinking about bad things with him at all, so I was wanting to know if I'd still find him beautiful and all if something happened to him where he didn't look the same, but yeah, whenever I tried to think about any scenarios where something could happen to him that would have that outcome, it was too painful to fully consider, and I was pretty certain anyway, but I couldn't know for sure, then, fairly suddenly, that line from "Wicked" came to me, and crap it all if I can't remember it now, but it's the thing about not lying about finding someone beautiful if they no longer look the way they did when you first fell for them, but just seeing things differently. Yeah, that just hit me, and I knew, and I know the chances that anything will happen to him to make him look different (other than the basic stuff like possibly losing his hair, wrinkles and such, which I can imagine just fine, that's not something that would be totally hard on him, obviously; I was considering like non natural predicaments, you know), and even if anything does, I'll never know, but that's something I always have to know, you know. Oh, God, though! That's another thing: I've decided that the reason it felt nice thinking about growing old with other people I've cared about is because it's not an indication of your soul-mate, just in of itself, but if you do really love someone, whether you can be happy with them, at least until you find who you're really meant to be with, but yeah, that was nice, but now, being in love with Max, when I think about being with him, staying with him, growing old with him... it is the most wonderful, perfect, I can't describe it other than that. I have never before felt like that was so right. I have never before had this feeling, even if thinking about growing old with other people was nice, it never truly felt like that was where I was supposed to be, they were who I was supposed to be with. So, yeah. Whatever. I'm jumping the gun, and I don't care.

Getting - Better

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