The current mood of bluelucy at

22/07/2007 - 5:24 p.m.

Still Can't Believe

I was watching "Shrek" a couple days ago, and when Shrek and Fiona lose each other, the way they are, then when they find each other again. I mean, that's all pretend, of course. I just, gah! Man! I wish I could have more faith. I wish I could just believe that I'm not crazy, even if I can't know for absolute fact. I mean, I am in love with Daniel. There is no denying that, and I wish that because of that, because of the fact that when I see him, I see him, Daniel, not Michael, even that I don't feel the same way when I look at other Daniels or when I see someone else in daniel's actual body, you know, all that, and When I look into his eyes... Listening to love songs... I just, that should be enough, you know, but I can't help thinking this could just be from my ridiculously overactive imagination. Why do I feel so strongly, though? Is it simply because he's so compatible with me? If it's the archaeology thing, I didn't even fall in love with him because of that (though I did first become interested in him because of it, for the record). There are other guys who are caring the way he is, maybe not in exactly the same way, but still. Did my brain just see, if you will, that he was the most compatible person for me? Couldn't it have just let this go? I could have just had a crush that eventually faded, or maybe was always there, but nothing more. I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like it doesn't make sense that my brain would make me care so damned much for a person, no matter how compatible they are to me, but that doesn't get me to believe. I'm just figuring it's that strong, have to stay with the person and raise a family instinct thing, and my brain doesn't know he's not real, and I don't even want kids, plus there's a likely chance I wouldn't be able to have any with him anyway, even If he was real, and I could be with him, but yeah, I've explained all that before. Seriously, I'm so stubborn. I shouldn't care about proof, and I've probably already experienced that sign I was looking for, but didn't recognise it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the rest of my life not certain whether the person who means more to, who most likely always will mean more to me than anything else, ever, actually exists. I have to figure this out.

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