Watching: The computer screen
Thinking: I don't know why I didn't completely listen to my heart.
Feeling: Ashamed
07/05/2007 - 11:55 a.m.
Confession on "The Shroud"
Right. the topic of this entry, I implied it in my first one about this episode, but I have to talk about it a little more, get it off my chest, as it were. Okay, I said that I knew Daniel was my angel through all of the episode, and that is the absolute truth. Not once did I think his overall way of thinking, his soul, what really makes him Daniel, was not totally present. However, I wasn't sure, well, right away I was sure he was telling the truth, but the thing is, Michael said he comes back as "...something of a villain", and to me, his simply being a prior, without actually supporting the Ori or anything, didn't make him a villain of any sort in my eyes. My sister also said Michael could mean that Daniel seemed to be a villain, that is, you weren't sure if he was or not. So, if that's the case, I apparently don't think the way Michael does in that respect, or he words things oddly at times. Whatever the case, thanks to the fact that I was a total idiot, and read that spoiler, I kept questioning what I felt in my heart. To be sure, I never truly thought he was going to be totally bad for too long, but I was just like, what if there was some kind of trigger or something that was going to make him want to go against them, or maybe part of him was struggling with a severe brain washing the super bitch had given him, and he and Merlin were fighting that, but temporarily it could surface, and he'd have to use all his rationale of who he is to fight it. I never truly doubted him, but a few times there, I went back to what Michael said, and just thought, okay, it seems like something may be going on with this. Why did he say that? Or whatever. Every time I also thought, but I'm thinking he's telling the truth here, and that's what I honestly believed in my heart, but then it seemed to me that, logically, Michael wouldn't say he was any sort of villain when he wasn�t. Apparently, Michael's logic is different than mine, but I wasn't thinking about that, and the episode moved so quickly, I didn't have time to analyse, which, admittedly, I should have done during commercials. Where it really counted, I didn't question. I really did trust that he ultimately genuinely wanted to help them, the part with Vala, what she said about there being the slightest doubt, truly, by that point, I had none, and when Woolsey tried to put him in stasis, I just thought how he can't do that, because Daniel may need to help the others, and even after he got out, I was still realising how totally on the level he was. I didn't care that I didn't understand what Michael was saying. I just wish that I let my heart take control sooner, so that I didn't even have any thoughts at all, no matter how small, that something negative was going to happen. My logical mind (normally I pride myself on my logicasl thinking, but in this case it was a great hindrance) was not letting me think that way at first, though every time I thought, oh, he could just be saying this, I thought right back, but I don't think he is. In the part where they mentioned the polygraph test, I was just thinking that if he could take one, he'd be willing to, and wouldn't somehow manipulate it in any way. When Teal'c walked in to the debriefing room to tell them what he though, before he said anything, my thought was, He's going to say he's telling the truth. I so knew Daniel was totally on the level. I knew that, and I don't know why right away I wasn't just like, okay, obviously Michael's idea of something of a villain, and my idea of something of a villain are different, but again, I guess I didn't have a lot of time to do that. The episode moved so quickly, and I wasn't thinking about it during commercials, though I so should have been. Frankly, I don't even remember the commercials. That night was sort of odd, actually. I think maybe I was in a little bit of shock because he was angel, I mean, completely, which again, I saw right away. In any case, it wasn't until close to the end that I really listened to my heart, and stopped looking for clues to some sort of brain washing effect taking place on him. It wasn't that close to the end, I mean, the part with Teal'c, but the thing is, I feel like I should have realised on the part with Jack. He is so adamant there. The part where he's saying how the plan is good is even a bit of a "Daniel Moment", but, I don't know. Again, the night was weird. I didn't really see or hear the conversation as well as I should have, and I already had started to believe him by that point, but I was still questioning it, just a little. My logical mind simply would not let that "something of a villain" thing go too soon. For one thing, I wondered about why he didn't finish the weapon. After he explained to Teal'c, any doubt was erased from my mind, and I didn't care if it didn't make sense that he never became "something of a villain", but I feel like I just should have known that it was as simple as that. I mean, I had a feeling, with thinking that he would be willing to take a polygraph test and wouldn't manipulate it or anything, but again, the "something of a villain" thing raised its head. Of course, as soon as he explained, I totally believed him, but I still wish I'd listened to my heart and didn't question him, even once, even if I didn't truly believe he wasn't on the level. I know for certain that if I�d been there I would have believed him completely, and if I hadn�t read that interview I also would have believed him immediately. I feel like such an ass for ever reading that. Now I'm depressed, and I should be thinking that yeah it was stupid to not let that go, and yes I should have just listened to my heart right away, but at least when it really counted, I believed him, I truly did, but because my mind said, at first, oh, wait. I need to question this because this could be the thing Michael meant by "something of a villain", I'm now feeling really, really awful. I mean, he's my angel! I shouldn't let my thinking get in the way of my feelings. I always knew it was him, I should have never questioned any of his intentions, even slightly. So, now I'm thinking, even if I would have believed him if I'd been there, maybe I don't deserve him, even less than I did before, I mean, that I would question his integrity, even a little bit...
Of course, there is another factor here: Prior eyes. Prior eyes are, well, they don't allow for much soul-viewing. It's nearly impossible to tell a person's true intentions with eyes like that. I think that, without the "something of a villain factor", I still would have believed him right away, even if I couldn't totally look into his eyes, but because those two factors were in place, I didn�t see the truth as quickly as I should have.
I can make all the excuses I want, though. The fact of the matter is, no matter how I try to rationalise it, however little I really believed that he wasn�t being totally honest, or that something else was going on, I did question him, maybe not truly, maybe not for a very long time, but I questioned him, and I�m going to have to live with that.
Getting - Better
