Watching: That's So Raven

Thinking: I can't wait until I can watch more SG-1!

Feeling: impatient

Going back to SG-1, though. I'm excited, but super, super nervous. I'm worried about a lot of stuff, and I just hope my worries are unfounded.

I actually had a dream about the very last episode of SG-1. I can't say if any of my dream is going to turn out to be true. That would be freaky, though. I also had a dream where I was watching an SG-1 episode that didn't fit any plot-lines, really, but there was an alien or something, I can't remember, and it looked like Daniel, or made itself look like him, but he was there as well, talking to the alien or whatever. They were trying to stop something. I wish I could remember better, but that part of the dream wasn't as clear somehow, and I dreamed it a while ago anyway.

I've been watching my top twelve favourite episodes from last to first:
12. "Beneath The Surface"
11. "The First Ones" (actually, I'm thinking of switching those two episopdes)
10. "Ascension"
9. "Orpheus"
8. "Avatar"
7. "Maternal Instinct"
6. "Cor-Ai"
5. "Cold Lazarus"
4. "Small Victories"
3. "Solitudes"
2. "The Torment of Tantalus"
1. "The Changeling"

I actually only have the last four left (well, first four, but yeah). I can hardly wait to watch them. I took a break as Maggie wanted to watch "The Fifth Race", which obviously is a great episode, though not one of my absolute favourites. Then we're watching TSR. It's very odd watching something other than SG-1 after watching it for so long, though. On Tuesdays I usually go to bed early after watching SG-1 for so long, but with this, well, I want to watch the rest of the episodes after TSR, so yeah. I was hoping to see all the episodes before Maggie got home from her doctor's appointment and staying overnight at Dad's for that, but I got tired. Oh well.

Oh, also, I'm typing with only my right hand because I have to give my left hand a rest. The pinky has become numb and apparently if I don't seriously cut back on the use of my left hand it could require surgery. It's weird, though, I mean, because I'm not even left-handed, Oh well.

Also, I don't think I can just be okay with not being with Daniel now. I mean, I have to break down sometimes. I can't help it. I can't say if I'll end up having a permanent breakdown at some point, time will tell, but for now, it's just every once in a while. Only thing is, I haven't been really truly happy lately. I mean, I know I should think about the fact that I'll be with him one day, and be happy for that, and I know why I can't be with him now, but I'm just having a whole lot of trouble dealing with having to wait to be with him, and why that's necessary, and why I even had to fall in love with him in the first place, I mean, it seems like it would have been better if I never knew about him until I died and we were re-united. I don't know why I chose this. Why did I think this would be better than not rediscovering him, as it were? Could I have been born somewhere I could never have heard of him? I'm seriously beginning to wonder if that wouldn't have been better. I mean, this is getting to the point where it's not fun anymore. I don't even care about any other shows or anything, not really, even if I mention them. There's nothing I have to watch except SG-1. I'm always waiting for when I can see him again, and ultimately when I can be with him again. I need him so badly, it literally hurts. Truly, I hope if anything, I stay at this point, but I love him more and more each day. I'm scared about how I'm going to handle this a few years down the line. I mean, I haven't even been (consciously) in love with him for three years yet. It's not fair to love someone so much and have to wait so long to be with them. I feel like I'm in a bad dream. I mean, I can see him, and I must do at least that, but God. It gets beyond frustrating, waking up everyday in the same shitty bed, alone, surrounded not by historical collectibles as it were, but pictures of the man who means more to me than absolutely anything else, forever. I love those pictures, but nowhere near as much as I love the person they're of. I'd much rather wake up to just him and no pictures. Seriously, nothing pertaining to this life really matters when it all comes down. It helps me get through, the song "Tears an Rain" (which is basically my theme song now as I've said before) and such, I think I would have broken down sooner without that ability to vent, but yeah, that's all not even helping as well as it used to. God, I can't even, it's so pathetic. No one understands. I barely understand it, and no one else ever will at all, no matter how much I talk about it, about him, about how much I love him. God, I need him so much. I need all of this to just melt away and find myself in his arms, and that sounds pathetic and maybe not so meaningful as it should. I shouldn't even talk about him on here, and now I'm basically repeating myself.

Oh, I also meant to say before, as I do like watching him, even if I'd much, much, much so much rather actually be with him that it's ridiculous, I do love watching the show on DVD, as the picture's much clearer than on television. I always watch it on the telly as well if I can, of course, but yeah, I prefer DVDs.