The current mood of bluelucy at

Watching: CSI (I'm not alone)

Thinking: God, I need to be with my Daniel!

Feeling: (more than) love for my Daniel

2007-01-22 - 9:15 p.m.

Daniel (for like the millionth time)

My god, I love Daniel! God! God! I love him so much! Shit, it's ridiculous! I can't even, God! Damn, man! I just, I don't know what to say about it. Nothing I ever say truly expresses how I feel about him. Actually, you know that song "I Said I Loved You But I Lied"? Well, that's pretty well my situation. I mean, "love" is the strongest emotion, but it's still not truly strong enough to express how I feel about my Daniel. It's pretty damned stupid of me to even be talking about how much I love him on here. I always do, and it's so pathetically pointless. Because God knows I can never convey how I really feel. So, alright. I love talking about how much I love him, but why? It isn't as though I can get anyone to understand. Is it for me? Why? What possible satisfaction can I get from undermining my feelings for the one man, the one person, the one individual of anything, anywhere, ever, who means more to me, and will always mean more to me than anything else? Life (I could argue that for me, Daniel is life), family, friends, music, shows... I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my friends and family. I enjoy my music and shows, but none of it really matters to me. That's not to say that if I could be with Daniel, but it meant that others could be harmed for some reason because of it, I would choose to be with him, as torturous as that decision would be, I wouldn't choose to sacrifice anyone's life for my own pleasure, and certainly, neither would Daniel. Still, I'm pretty well just existing these days. Some things help, a little. SpongeBob SquarePants, the show, of all things, lets me laugh, and James, well, thank God for him and his music, that's all I have to say about that. "Tears and Rain" is pretty well my theme song right now. I spend the majority of my time alone, though, daydreaming about being with Daniel, and watching him on SG-1, and I'm always left feeling a little depressed. What true satisfaction can I receive from simply watching and thinking about Daniel, not being able to talk to him, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, to make love with him, to just be with him? I need to feel him, to make him happy. I know I can do that, and it isn't a pride thing. We're soul-mates. Neither one of us can be truly happy without the other, though he may not realise that, which, really, I prefer, seeing the way things have to be for now. I think that It would have been sheer torture, though, being with him, and after he ascended, I don't think he would have showed himself to me then. It would have been so hard, for both of us, not being able to really touch. That need, to be so close to a person, that one person, that you can smell them, feel their breath, their heartbeat, and it's not merely a matter of company, nor a truly sexual thing. It's spiritual, a necessity which comes from the deepest core of one's soul. I know I could say, I should say, that at least I'll be with him one day. I know that, (and seriously, fuck anyone who tries to tell me different, for that matter, fuck anyone who tries to tell me Daniel isn't my soul-mate), and I suppose that things had to work out this way for various reasons, and I also realise I'm a broken record, not to mention that at some point, my optimism may kick in once again, and allow me the happiness that comes from knowing that this is temporary, however long and frustrating it may be, but for now, I'm feeling quite melancholy. So, I really can't say why I do this, talk about him on here. I suppose, when it all comes down, I enjoy telling others about how wonderful he is, how much I love him, as pathetically short I always come to actually expressing that.

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